11.15.13

I.

I pray for strength

Calm, for my nerves

To wash away

II.

This building has become all too familiar

It fills me with fear

Brings me to the brink of tears

Has made me feel like a criminal

And makes me question everything

Down to my identity

Who am I to you

But a receipt, alien number

Lost within a cracked system

With an endless paper trail

That refuses to mesh up

With who I truly am

Who am I to you when you look me in the eye

I'll tell you

I am a person with a heartbeat

I am a person that wants to be known

Never forgotten or worst of all

Left behind

I am a person

Please do not break me down into nothingness

III.

I sit and wait for my name to be called

Debate whether or not to gravitate

To the empty chairs to my right

Where the chatter is nonexistent

My lawyer tries to prepare me

For what's to come

I can tell he is nervous as I am

I debate on asking my friend

To pray, but decide against it

I have a feeling it’s already happening

IV.

My name is called I turn around

To an intimidating man

I start to walk as the nerves build

And I know this is it

I sit and I wait

Countdown every question and take a deep breath

Phase one, two and three I pass

I am almost there this Nightmare

Will soon be over

But there is a glitch

In the interview

He doesn’t understand

Why I voted

He doesn’t understand

The name change

He doesn’t understand

The LAW

And he walks out

I sit and I wait

On the verge of tears

And wonder why am I

The only one that understands my case

He walks back in

And says something

I don’t want to hear

We are going to have to look

Further into this, we have to do it the legal way

I can’t approve or deny your Naturalization of Citizenship

Today

V.

I walk out devastated

Chatter surrounds me

In the elevator, garage as the car door opens

As we drive away from this place

It’s hard to breathe

Because I know the Nightmare continues

And it is far from over

(4.29.15)

Living the Good Life

I have learned in the last few months, sometimes you have to jump, risk everything even when you are knotted with every emotion of the rainbow while doing so.

I knew three months after being back in my hometown after a year of volunteering that I wanted to make it back to the state I did my service the great state of Ohio. That was really hard to believe at first  because by the end of my volunteer year I was counting down the days until I flew back to familiar surrounds. There were many factors why I wanted to move back, but the idea of starting a non-profit was the biggest one. At the moment it’s just an idea, but I am determined to make it a reality hoping in the next decade.

I don’t regret moving from VA at all I have more freedom to do what I want and I love that. But the move hasn't all been full of an overabundance of pink Starbursts and Twix bars. I have had my struggles.

I miss my support system A LOT and think of them often, but all of their encouraging words that fill up cards helps a great deal. I knew before moving out here that would be my greatest struggle, but day by day it get’s a little easier.

It’s become somewhat of a fear of mine that no one would know if I went missing and when someone did it would be too late. I’ve calm that fear a bit, but it’s still something that occupies the mind from time to time.

I have yet to figure out a balance of a church community, but I am hopeful that will smooth out in time and lastly there is finding a job. But what I have learned about filling out applications is that do what you can, stay proactive, be patient speed isn’t everything.

April Reading List

My reading goal for 2015 is to read 30 books. I didn’t read any books in the month of Feburary nor do I plan to read any in March but when it comes to the fourth month of the year I hope to finish a good stack of books.

April Reading List:

41: A Portrait of My Father- by George W. Bush

I Was Here- by Gayle Forman

Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church- by Rachel Held Evans

Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You're Taking, The Sleep You're Missing, The Sex You're Not Having, and What's Really Making You Crazy- by Julie Holland

Saga, Volume 2 (Saga #7-12)- by Brian K. Vaughan

Pansy- by Andrea Gibson

Sara

To My Church

My church is love

The only constant that I have known

Going on seven years now

My church has never made me feel like a mistake

Never made me question

Am I

Loved

Wanted

Belong

Do I feel

Safe

And protected

My church has an open place

At their table

Allow me to be connected with their families

My church

You make me feel less alone in this world

That I hold no burden

That I am bound for greater things

That this story of mine isn’t over

For it is just beginning

No matter how near or far we are

From one another

We will continue

Breathing, walking, listening, and eating together

Continuing the work of Jesus

One step at a time

Manassas you are exactly what love is

Through my eyes

You are the place I call home

Always

Sara
(02.26.2015)

11.15.2012

I.

 I just want

And I just need 

For someone 

To love me

II.

Do you see my extended hand?

Would you dare to extend yours?

Grab hold 

And promise not to let go

III.

 Words echo

Echo

ECHO

Until the day is done

IV.

I feel the breaking of my heart 

The struggle to breathe 

Completely stripped 

Fighting and struggling 

Screaming from the inside 

Begging and pleading 

Please, please, no

Don’t put me back 

Into that clothing 

Into what was once known

As my orphan identity 

Sara

(2.9.2015)

Snap

Let your tears roll 

Your temper roar 

Allow your voice to be heard

Shout out to the LORD 

Allow the pain to flow 

And stop telling yourself you do not HURT 

You’ve been living with a shattered heart

Don’t allow the past you cannot change 

The feeling of unworthiness 

And feeling like someone’s mistake

Consume your soul

If need be pick up the damn phone 

It’s in the moments 

When you say no, no, no I am not ok

That those deep, buried pockets of hurt

Will hopefully slowly heal and wash away 

Sara

(2.8.15)

Here's to 2015

To living life a tad bit recklessly 
Living without fear of loss of identity 
Saying yes more often than no
To all that may be asked of me
Pray a little and laugh a little more 
Look forward 
Getting back on stable ground 
Didn’t happen in a day 
But whatever shall happen
Wherever you move and shall do 
Remember 
You are open to WHATEVER!

Sara