Gentleman of the Kindness of Souls

I found out you weren’t well the day I left

Sitting and taking in the sights, sounds, and smells

It was a day of anointing

And as you walked up

I said an extra prayer

I fought back tears

Saying hello to you that morning

Holding on to that moment

Wishing it wouldn’t end

I wasn’t ready knowing

It might be our last goodbye

Sitting and waiting to board a plane

Fighting back tears of memories

Thinking dammit

Why him, a gentleman with the kindness of souls

Why does it have to be anyone

You are, were, and always will be

Half of my favorite love story

I am thankful for a friendship I no longer have

But will always cherish

(11.04.2015)

Firelight

Brethren Disaster Ministries
Greeley, Colorado
Devotion

Firelight

I am a disciple

Of who you may ask?

Jesus Christ, the Son of God

A creation formed from the Father above

Out of dust and rib from a man named Adam

I am beautifully and wonderfully made

A beloved and cherished daughter

Created in God's own image

For as long as my eyes open

I shall give him thanks and praise

May my eyes be open

And my hands to receive

To give and comfort

May my ears be open

To the joys and hardships

Of his people

For I will rejoice loudly and celebrate the good

And be mindful in time of weeping and join in with you

May you see more of him and less of me

May the firelight within us all

Always shine and shine brightly

While we continue the work of Jesus

Being his hands and feet

Peacefully. Simply. Together.

07.18.2015



12.15.14

I.

How fearful I became the first time walking through its doors

Learning for a fact that I wasn’t a United States citizen

How the tears flowed fearful of deportation

Seeing a country I haven’t seen in almost two decades

Hearing a language that is no longer at the forefront of my mind

Lost in prayer, pleading with my Maker

Please don’t allow them to strip me of my identity

How fearful I became a second time

When I felt like a criminal when they placed my hand on the glass

Pressing down each finger separately until it was displayed on the screen above

How fearful I became a third time

When the same action had to be done again

Feeling more shameful than criminal because I was told incorrectly

How fearful I became a fourth time walking through its doors

Knowing I didn’t want to live the life planned

Out in Plan B

II.

Seven hundred and sixty days, seven hundred and sixty days

SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY DAYS later

I walk through its doors again

More fearful than any other point in time

III.

Chatter is all around and friendly faces greet me

Waiting in line to make sure every little detail is correct

Signing an oath with my given name my correct name

Allowing these chains that have bound me

To loosen up just a bit

IV.

It seems like a lifetime before family and friends enter the room

The replaying of the here from there starts

And it doesn’t stop until every fiber of my being

Is feeling some sort of emotion because it’s in the replaying of moments

I know this was never my job nor my fight

To become someone's daughter

I was chosen, disowned, left behind to get lost within a government system

All I have ever wanted, all I have ever needed

Was for someone to love me

I am tired of being lost I just want to be found and found for good

And have the comfort of safety surround me

V.

It begins the ceremony that will  completely set me free

He starts to speak of all the countries represented in this room

But he forgets Russa

And that feeling of being lost resurfaces, but it’s quickly corrected

Then a another gentleman speaks

And it becomes white noise because I know my responsibilities

I’ve been here long enough

Just give me the paper that makes it all legal

In which all my rights are intact

I just want it to be over, I just need it to be over

And with a little more chatter and some song singing

I raise my hand and declare my allegiance to the United States of America

And with so help me God

After seven hundred and sixty days

SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY DAYS TOO LONG

I felt the long awaited calm

VI.

What a feeling it is to know

My greatest Goliath is no more

Hallelujah, hallelujah AMEN!

07.09.15

Girlfriend

He asked me to be his girlfriend last night, but I had to decline

It wasn’t because of the fact he called me attractive

That he has cleaned up his act and that he believes

God brought me into his life

Hello Blake Shelton

It wasn’t because of the fact he said, I will make you my world

Or the fact that he says if any man fucks with you I’ll take care of it

I do love a protective man, but take care of that kinda scares me

I take it all in and dare to speak

I don’t want to be your girlfriend or even date

Ok, he says, but we can’t even try?

Try?

Let’s be friends and just fool around he continues on

Poor guy, you missed out on my promiscuous phase

No that’s not going to work at all for me 

I don’t want to go down that crazy path

Ok then I will just drop the subject and move along

Good, because dear god sir, you’re old enough to be my father

06.21.2015

12.26.2013

I.

I just want

And I just need

To feel like

A somebody again

II.

Barely awake

An unexpected ring

An echoing of words

From a man

That’s come to know disappointment

As much as I

I listen try to exhale

But I can’t

Fighting back tears

Trying to make sense

Of what I just heard

III.

What do you mean

I didn’t have to take

That test?

IV.

I love this country

But it is tearing me apart

From the inside out

I have been made to feel

Like my worth is next

To zero

I am there, fully broken

So why do I bother

To keep on fighting?

I am too pissed off and hurt

Because I refuse for my voice

To be silent on election day

I want to sit on a jury

Contribute to the economy

Not pay a fee every ten years

And hold the status

Of a permanent resident

When I have always

Felt like an American Citizen

I refuse to allow

Those people that FAILED

To make me fully theirs

Strip me of the freedoms

I hold dear

Because those people

FAILED to

Dot their i’s and cross their t’s

Those people are the reason

Behind a shattered heart

I could of handled anything

But the reminder of that

I was truly never theirs in the first place

And will never be

I have always known

Felt it in my bones

We were never meant to be

(05.26.2015)

11.15.13

I.

I pray for strength

Calm, for my nerves

To wash away

II.

This building has become all too familiar

It fills me with fear

Brings me to the brink of tears

Has made me feel like a criminal

And makes me question everything

Down to my identity

Who am I to you

But a receipt, alien number

Lost within a cracked system

With an endless paper trail

That refuses to mesh up

With who I truly am

Who am I to you when you look me in the eye

I'll tell you

I am a person with a heartbeat

I am a person that wants to be known

Never forgotten or worst of all

Left behind

I am a person

Please do not break me down into nothingness

III.

I sit and wait for my name to be called

Debate whether or not to gravitate

To the empty chairs to my right

Where the chatter is nonexistent

My lawyer tries to prepare me

For what's to come

I can tell he is nervous as I am

I debate on asking my friend

To pray, but decide against it

I have a feeling it’s already happening

IV.

My name is called I turn around

To an intimidating man

I start to walk as the nerves build

And I know this is it

I sit and I wait

Countdown every question and take a deep breath

Phase one, two and three I pass

I am almost there this Nightmare

Will soon be over

But there is a glitch

In the interview

He doesn’t understand

Why I voted

He doesn’t understand

The name change

He doesn’t understand

The LAW

And he walks out

I sit and I wait

On the verge of tears

And wonder why am I

The only one that understands my case

He walks back in

And says something

I don’t want to hear

We are going to have to look

Further into this, we have to do it the legal way

I can’t approve or deny your Naturalization of Citizenship

Today

V.

I walk out devastated

Chatter surrounds me

In the elevator, garage as the car door opens

As we drive away from this place

It’s hard to breathe

Because I know the Nightmare continues

And it is far from over

(4.29.15)