“This little girl wants to be adopted more than anything and no one will adopt her. No one even looks at her.” - Orphanage’s Director
My story doesn’t begin here in the United State as the majority of you know my story began in Moscow, Russia. A few weekends ago I was sent an article by a man that knew me when I was young and every so often I am sent pieces of my past to learn about. Who would have thought being a mixed-race 6-year-old child would be a strike against me for a reason of not being adopted not to mention having cerebral palsy on top of it.
I was part of a feature in The Washington Post 20 years ago and as I read one of the many quotes from a heartbreaking article this one quote that I read at the start hits me the most because I've come to learn that not all adoption stories have a happy ending, not all adoption stories come with the conclusion of rejoicing. Not every parent will love that child unconditionally, some will show rejection, and some may wish they had never gone through the process. If this is the case just maybe that child will get lucky and find a congregation, a body of people as I had to teach them unconditional love comes in many forms it doesn't always have to come from a parent. The people I consider family in my life none of us share the same last name. I've learned sometimes you just have to create your own family. Even in the painful realization of what I wanted, my entire life will never be in the form I wished.
I hold a painful past, a past that I've tried to run from for as long as I can remember but what a glorious life it has become through an extremely tearful outcome. The congregation I speak of is Manassas, for they are the people I have come to learn to lean on and trust since the beginning of my adulthood and it was at Manassas Church of the Brethren that this photo that you see before you was taken. For this day was the day of my baptism in November of 2010. But I don’t need a photo to remember for this day is etched in my mind and I believe it will remain.
As you might be aware baptism and membership within the Church of the Brethren has been weighing heavily on my mind since taking on the role of Youth and Outreach Leader in October and diving into the curriculum, reading scripture, and having some really good dialogue each week with the youth.
For me saying yes to baptism didn’t come easy. I was filled with so much guilt, shame, and the feeling of being unlovable. In each sermon that I heard, there was this underlying theme that Jesus loves us no matter what. I knew what it felt like to be disposable, replaceable, and feeling like my worth was nothing more than a grain of sand but I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved and it scared me. I couldn't comprehend the love that Jesus dare holds for me. It wasn't until National Youth Conference that my fear dwindled and it became easier to say yes to Jesus with the words you are forgiven and the practice of an anointing.
I baptize you are the three most beautiful words I've ever had spoken to me. For the three dunks representing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit it was in that moment for the first time in my life I felt what it feels like to be unconditionally loved.
If you haven't noticed already this worship service is a little different than some that you may have been to in the past. I have intentionally mixed up the worship service because following Jesus is never comfortable so why should we get comfortable with the layout of a service? And instead of picking a scripture to focus on this week I have decided to forgo that and tell you a little bit of my own journey since taking the step of being baptized.
I have had many mountain top moments with Jesus my rocking sidekick. But no trial in my life sticks out more than the one I just experienced right before I moved to Cincinnati a year ago. For some of you that don't know the reason, I came to know Cincinnati Church of the Brethren is because I did Brethren Volunteer Service with Interfaith Hospitality Network in 2011. By the end of my year all I wanted to do was go back to Virginia, go back to familiar, go back to normal, but little did I know normal wasn’t waiting for me. A storm was brewing and Goliath was coming with a vengeance. Less than a month of returning to my hometown I experienced my greatest heartbreak thus far in life learning that I wasn't a United States Citizen. Due to papers not being filed and getting lost in the system I had to go through the process of becoming what I thought I already was years ago. I want to share a poem with you now that I had written about that day and hopefully, I can get through it without losing control of my emotions. Even though this poem was written over a year ago it is still oh so raw.
11.15.2012
I.
I just want
And I just need
For someone
To love me
II.
Do you see my extended hand?
Would you dare to extend yours?
Grab hold
And promise not to let go
III.
Words echo
Echo
ECHO
Until the day is done
IV.
I feel the breaking of my heart
The struggle to breathe
Completely stripped
Fighting and struggling
Screaming from the inside
Begging and pleading
Please, please, no
Don’t put me back
Into what was once known
As my orphan identity
This day November 15, 2012, was the day I was stripped of every American right and was told I would have to carry my first adoptive name until the proper paperwork was filed. That night I cried myself to sleep absolutely terrified of being deported seeing a country I hadn't seen in over two decades and hearing a language I hadn't spoken for just as long. I don't know if you know this but becoming an American citizen isn't easy it weighs heavy on you it is costly both physically, mentally, and financially.
It would take seven hundred and sixty days until I saw a resolution before I was able to work in this country, to vote in this country, or have the ability to sit on a jury. During this time of waiting for this painful waiting of going through the motions to getting everything right to make sure I was legal to make sure I was no longer questioned of who I was God was doing a work in me. Teaching me patience even within my doubt of seeing an ending. Giving me friends to lean on during times of devastating news that I had to do something more before that could happen, before that could happen, before that could happen. Friends were my lifeline and God was using them to show me that I wasn't alone even when it seemed like the darkest days had come. On those nights that seemed the longest, the darkest the nights that I struggled to see midnight I would close my eyes as tightly as I could and go back to that day the day of my baptism the day the preacher man said to me I baptize you... I tell you again I baptize you are the three most beautiful words I've ever had spoken to me because they have the ability to center me like nothing else in this life has been able to for I know in that moment when I am struggling I have a God that is with me regardless of the situation, regardless of the temporary feelings, regardless of anything that is going on around me, my God, our will not fail me or you our God is with us. It took getting stripped of everything including my known identity The overwhelming fear of being clothed back into a twenty-six letter being of my six-year-old self It took years to learn a lesson in patience and the painful waiting of unanswered prayers. For me to realize just how half-heartedly in love with Jesus I truly was.
The greatest trial of my life helped me to really fall in love with Jesus to trust him with my whole being whether that be financial, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, or the food in my fridge, for every blessing I have comes from him and every sorrow that I may face has to go through him before it comes to me. God is with me, you, in this place, the spirit moves in an out of wherever we are and meets us wherever we are no matter what time it is no matter if it's raining or a hot ninety-eight for he is with us always. So I ask you brothers and sisters in Christ this day are you loving the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind? Amen.
