11.15.13

I.

I pray for strength

Calm, for my nerves

To wash away

II.

This building has become all too familiar

It fills me with fear

Brings me to the brink of tears

Has made me feel like a criminal

And makes me question everything

Down to my identity

Who am I to you

But a receipt, alien number

Lost within a cracked system

With an endless paper trail

That refuses to mesh up

With who I truly am

Who am I to you when you look me in the eye

I'll tell you

I am a person with a heartbeat

I am a person that wants to be known

Never forgotten or worst of all

Left behind

I am a person

Please do not break me down into nothingness

III.

I sit and wait for my name to be called

Debate whether or not to gravitate

To the empty chairs to my right

Where the chatter is nonexistent

My lawyer tries to prepare me

For what's to come

I can tell he is nervous as I am

I debate on asking my friend

To pray, but decide against it

I have a feeling it’s already happening

IV.

My name is called I turn around

To an intimidating man

I start to walk as the nerves build

And I know this is it

I sit and I wait

Countdown every question and take a deep breath

Phase one, two and three I pass

I am almost there this Nightmare

Will soon be over

But there is a glitch

In the interview

He doesn’t understand

Why I voted

He doesn’t understand

The name change

He doesn’t understand

The LAW

And he walks out

I sit and I wait

On the verge of tears

And wonder why am I

The only one that understands my case

He walks back in

And says something

I don’t want to hear

We are going to have to look

Further into this, we have to do it the legal way

I can’t approve or deny your Naturalization of Citizenship

Today

V.

I walk out devastated

Chatter surrounds me

In the elevator, garage as the car door opens

As we drive away from this place

It’s hard to breathe

Because I know the Nightmare continues

And it is far from over

(4.29.15)

Living the Good Life

I have learned in the last few months, sometimes you have to jump, risk everything even when you are knotted with every emotion of the rainbow while doing so.

I knew three months after being back in my hometown after a year of volunteering that I wanted to make it back to the state I did my service the great state of Ohio. That was really hard to believe at first  because by the end of my volunteer year I was counting down the days until I flew back to familiar surrounds. There were many factors why I wanted to move back, but the idea of starting a non-profit was the biggest one. At the moment it’s just an idea, but I am determined to make it a reality hoping in the next decade.

I don’t regret moving from VA at all I have more freedom to do what I want and I love that. But the move hasn't all been full of an overabundance of pink Starbursts and Twix bars. I have had my struggles.

I miss my support system A LOT and think of them often, but all of their encouraging words that fill up cards helps a great deal. I knew before moving out here that would be my greatest struggle, but day by day it get’s a little easier.

It’s become somewhat of a fear of mine that no one would know if I went missing and when someone did it would be too late. I’ve calm that fear a bit, but it’s still something that occupies the mind from time to time.

I have yet to figure out a balance of a church community, but I am hopeful that will smooth out in time and lastly there is finding a job. But what I have learned about filling out applications is that do what you can, stay proactive, be patient speed isn’t everything.