It has been close to two months since I’ve gathered with a group of people on a Sunday morning and entered into a time of worship. It wasn’t until this week that the truth of why I really stopped going to church came to light.
When I took my vacation in the Spring I opened up to one of my best friends that I was bisexual. I did it in the only way I knew how with a hint of humor because that is how I cope with life. I made a promise to myself before I left my hometown that I was going to start living as who I truly was, no longer hidden and living in shame. But this truth has brought more fear and anxiety than I ever thought possible because I no longer know where I fit in. Or how I can truly live out my calling of starting a nonprofit that would be surrounded by the scriptures and yet could be heavily criticized because of my sexuality.
As the last few months have unfolded, I’ve really questioned my sense of belonging among other believers. The Church gave me a sense of belonging, the foundation to fall in love with Jesus and finally be free to live as me, but it is also the Church and some believers that are so heavily divided on the topic of sexuality that has left me in tears some days.
I stopped going to church out of fear, out of lack of understanding and the hurt that it may possibly bring. The church has always been a safe space for me. I don’t want it to become a battle zone. I am a work in progress and what I know is I don’t want to leave the church because there is so much good within it. So many great pastors with worthy high five types of sermons that are full of one liners that have helped me get through the week. I’ve seen the good of the church and that is what I hold dear, that is what gives me hope to returning back one day soon.
Sara
