All I Could Do

All I could do was pray

I didn’t ask him why

Like I had countless times before

All I could do was pray

As my heart broke as the tears formed

As I replayed the last conversation we had

All I could do was pray

I didn’t blame you

Nor the bullet that ended your life

All I could do was pray

That you felt his presence like never before

As he led you from this life to the next

(September 2016)

Sara

Why Not Church

It has been close to two months since I’ve gathered with a group of people on a Sunday morning and entered into a time of worship. It wasn’t until this week that the truth of why I really stopped going to church came to light.

When I took my vacation in the Spring I opened up to one of my best friends that I was bisexual. I did it in the only way I knew how with a hint of humor because that is how I cope with life. I made a promise to myself before I left my hometown that I was going to start living as who I truly was, no longer hidden and living in shame. But this truth has brought more fear and anxiety than I ever thought possible because I no longer know where I fit in. Or how I can truly live out my calling of starting a nonprofit that would be surrounded by the scriptures and yet could be heavily criticized because of my sexuality.

As the last few months have unfolded, I’ve really questioned my sense of belonging among other believers. The Church gave me a sense of belonging, the foundation to fall in love with Jesus and finally be free to live as me, but it is also the Church and some believers that are so heavily divided on the topic of sexuality that has left me in tears some days.

I stopped going to church out of fear, out of lack of understanding and the hurt that it may possibly bring. The church has always been a safe space for me. I don’t want it to become a battle zone. I am a work in progress and what I know is I don’t want to leave the church because there is so much good within it. So many great pastors with worthy high five types of sermons that are full of one liners that have helped me get through the week. I’ve seen the good of the church and that is what I hold dear, that is what gives me hope to returning back one day soon.

Sara

Colorado Round II

Last month I had the opportunity to travel to Loveland, Colorado for the second time. It was a trip full of mixed emotions and the period of long travel gave room for deep thought, Every trip I have taken with Brethren Disaster Ministries seems to come at a time when my need to get out of my own head and the environment is a must and for that I am thankful.

This past year has been a great struggle for me spiritual and what I know about myself is that I feel the presence of God the most when I am helping others. It was a week full of hard work, a tad bit of boredom, tons of laughter and the meeting of new people. What made this trip a little more interesting was the majority of the crew was youth and though I got mistaken for a youth many times it wasn’t until I was around 15-17-year-olds that I realized my energy level has slowly decreased over the years.

On Monday the entire crew traveled together to a campsite that got damaged by the floods a few years prior and then we were divided up going forward. I got put in a group that had the task of cleaning old floorboards that were going to be installed. By far it was the most boring work I did all week, but in the midst of doing I also got to listen to a crew member’s story and it wasn’t until then that the realization hit me of how much I missed getting to know someone, how much I missed having conversations.

On Tuesday and part of Wednesday I got a new task and boy did I thank the Lord above for that of painting trim, cabinet doors, and drawers, but it also brought up a bit of sadness because less than a year before I got the news that a friend I cared very deeply for had passed away and the only thing that got me through that week was assisting in helping paint the outside of a house. I’ve missed that friend since the day we said goodbye, but in that moment if felt like my heart had swelled up three sizes and the overwhelming thought of their absence brought tears to my eyes.

On Thursday I got to travel outside of the campsite and go to a trailer park where I helped tear up carpet and heard the sounds of drills and the breaking down of ceiling tiles so something new could be put into place, where new memories could be formed in home that has seen and felt so much devastation. I prayed for the home and the people that live within it that they may experience a sense of calm after all that has been taken away, for laughter and overall peace.

On Friday I got to travel to another part of the trailer park and assisted in replacing a moldy deck with a new one. Though I didn’t do much on this day I was just content in watching the youth’s excitement build as they made progress  of seeing a job done to completion for some I think that this was their biggest take away from the week.

I didn’t come back from Colorado with what some people like to call a “Jesus High”, but I came back with a better understanding of where I am spiritual and maybe just maybe this was the trip I needed to move forward… I would follow Jesus to the ends of this Earth even if I no longer held the membership of the CoB that I LOVE, or got to say as often that tagline that always brings a smile, Continuing the work of Jesus. Peacefully. Simply. Together.  

Sara

A Sermon On A Psalm

May 1, 2016

Psalm 23

Cincinnati Church of the Brethren

Hear the Word of the Lord this day as translated from New International Version.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

As you are well aware today is Youth Sunday and I hope that as you have sat and listened to the youth of this congregation take ownership of the multiple ways we honor and glorify our Lord that you have felt the spirit move in this place as well as within your own selves.  For the past few weeks during the Sunday school hour Meghan, Ysabel, Anna, Emma, and Tonio have been hard at work putting together the elements of this worship service and making sure everyone had a part and no one was left out.

Now I am not going to lie I have struggled to put this message together. Constantly repeating Psalm 23 throughout this entire week hoping that if I said it enough that a sermon would pop out of thin air, but no this wasn’t the case.  For me writing poetry comes much easier than writing sermons. What dawned on me on Thursday night is I had to tear this Psalm apart in a responsive kinda form if I was going to preach it. So this is what ask of you today put yourself within the Psalm and as I read verse by verse think about if it holds true in your life.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Which verses stuck out to you? Gave you a hint of doubt? Gave you comfort? A glimpse of hope or peace? Earlier this week I had asked the youth when have they felt that their souls had been restored and here were some of the responses. Emma said she felt God's restoration when she was baptized, Tony said he feels God's restoration when times get tough in his life, Anna felt God's restoration when she had a serious bike accident and God was there with her, and Ysabel said I am only 13 and really haven't had any major traumas in my life so far. I would then have to say he restores my soul every day I wake up or go to bed because I feel blessed I have successfully made it through another day. I feel blessed just to be alive.

For me, the verse that really sticks out is verse four. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,

they comfort me. I believe that we should care just as much for the people outside our church doors as we do within them and beyond our borders. My heart has been with the  Nigerian people and EYN since the kidnapping of over 200 schoolgirls in April of 2014. My heart breaks every time I read there's been another attack on our brothers and sisters among God's children. I wonder when will they be set free, when will the pain and suffering that Boko Haram tear that this group is inflicting on a country cease. I watched annual conference last year and as the EYN Nigeria's Women choir sang I felt the hope and saw a glimpse of God. This Psalm  holds true not only for us but for those beyond the borders, for those that are lost and trying to find their way home again. For God’s love has no borders for his love is like a cup overflowing restoring our souls day in and day out. AMEN.

Sara

For the Love of Jesus

“This little girl wants to be adopted more than anything and no one will adopt her. No one even looks at her.” - Orphanage’s Director
My story doesn’t begin here in the United State as the majority of you know my story began in Moscow, Russia. A few weekends ago I was sent an article by a man that knew me when I was young and every so often I am sent pieces of my past to learn about. Who would have thought being a mixed-race 6-year-old child would be a strike against me for a reason of not being adopted not to mention having cerebral palsy on top of it.
I was part of a feature in The Washington Post 20 years ago and as I read one of the many quotes from a heartbreaking article this one quote that I read at the start hits me the most because I've come to learn that not all adoption stories have a happy ending, not all adoption stories come with the conclusion of rejoicing. Not every parent will love that child unconditionally, some will show rejection, and some may wish they had never gone through the process. If this is the case just maybe that child will get lucky and find a congregation, a body of people as I had to teach them unconditional love comes in many forms it doesn't always have to come from a parent. The people I consider family in my life none of us share the same last name. I've learned sometimes you just have to create your own family. Even in the painful realization of what I wanted, my entire life will never be in the form I wished.
I hold a painful past, a past that I've tried to run from for as long as I can remember but what a glorious life it has become through an extremely tearful outcome. The congregation I speak of is Manassas, for they are the people I have come to learn to lean on and trust since the beginning of my adulthood and it was at Manassas Church of the Brethren that this photo that you see before you was taken. For this day was the day of my baptism in November of 2010. But I don’t need a photo to remember for this day is etched in my mind and I believe it will remain.

As you might be aware baptism and membership within the Church of the Brethren has been weighing heavily on my mind since taking on the role of Youth and Outreach Leader in October and diving into the curriculum, reading scripture, and having some really good dialogue each week with the youth.

For me saying yes to baptism didn’t come easy. I was filled with so much guilt, shame, and the feeling of being unlovable. In each sermon that I heard, there was this underlying theme that Jesus loves us no matter what. I knew what it felt like to be disposable, replaceable, and feeling like my worth was nothing more than a grain of sand but I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved and it scared me. I couldn't comprehend the love that Jesus dare holds for me. It wasn't until National Youth Conference that my fear dwindled and it became easier to say yes to Jesus with the words you are forgiven and the practice of an anointing.

I baptize you are the three most beautiful words I've ever had spoken to me. For the three dunks representing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit it was in that moment for the first time in my life I felt what it feels like to be unconditionally loved.

If you haven't noticed already this worship service is a little different than some that you may have been to in the past. I have intentionally mixed up the worship service because following Jesus is never comfortable so why should we get comfortable with the layout of a service? And instead of picking a scripture to focus on this week I have decided to forgo that and tell you a little bit of my own journey since taking the step of being baptized.

I have had many mountain top moments with Jesus my rocking sidekick. But no trial in my life sticks out more than the one I just experienced right before I moved to Cincinnati a year ago. For some of you that don't know the reason, I came to know Cincinnati Church of the Brethren is because I did Brethren Volunteer Service with Interfaith Hospitality Network in 2011. By the end of my year all I wanted to do was go back to Virginia, go back to familiar, go back to normal, but little did I know normal wasn’t waiting for me. A storm was brewing and Goliath was coming with a vengeance. Less than a month of returning to my hometown I experienced my greatest heartbreak thus far in life learning that I wasn't a United States Citizen. Due to papers not being filed and getting lost in the system I had to go through the process of becoming what I thought I already was years ago. I want to share a poem with you now that I had written about that day and hopefully, I can get through it without losing control of my emotions. Even though this poem was written over a year ago it is still oh so raw.




11.15.2012

I.

I just want

And I just need

For someone

To love me

II.

Do you see my extended hand?

Would you dare to extend yours?

Grab hold

And promise not to let go

III.

Words echo

Echo

ECHO

Until the day is done

IV.

I feel the breaking of my heart

The struggle to breathe

Completely stripped

Fighting and struggling

Screaming from the inside

Begging and pleading

Please, please, no

Don’t put me back



Into what was once known

As my orphan identity




This day November 15, 2012, was the day I was stripped of every American right and was told I would have to carry my first adoptive name until the proper paperwork was filed. That night I cried myself to sleep absolutely terrified of being deported seeing a country I hadn't seen in over two decades and hearing a language I hadn't spoken for just as long. I don't know if you know this but becoming an American citizen isn't easy it weighs heavy on you it is costly both physically, mentally, and financially.

It would take seven hundred and sixty days until I saw a resolution before I was able to work in this country, to vote in this country, or have the ability to sit on a jury. During this time of waiting for this painful waiting of going through the motions to getting everything right to make sure I was legal to make sure I was no longer questioned of who I was God was doing a work in me. Teaching me patience even within my doubt of seeing an ending. Giving me friends to lean on during times of devastating news that I had to do something more before that could happen, before that could happen, before that could happen. Friends were my lifeline and God was using them to show me that I wasn't alone even when it seemed like the darkest days had come. On those nights that seemed the longest, the darkest the nights that I struggled to see midnight I would close my eyes as tightly as I could and go back to that day the day of my baptism the day the preacher man said to me I baptize you... I tell you again I baptize you are the three most beautiful words I've ever had spoken to me because they have the ability to center me like nothing else in this life has been able to for I know in that moment when I am struggling I have a God that is with me regardless of the situation, regardless of the temporary feelings, regardless of anything that is going on around me, my God, our will not fail me or you our God is with us. It took getting stripped of everything including my known identity The overwhelming fear of being clothed back into a twenty-six letter being of my six-year-old self It took years to learn a lesson in patience and the painful waiting of unanswered prayers. For me to realize just how half-heartedly in love with Jesus I truly was.

The greatest trial of my life helped me to really fall in love with Jesus to trust him with my whole being whether that be financial, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, or the food in my fridge, for every blessing I have comes from him and every sorrow that I may face has to go through him before it comes to me. God is with me, you, in this place, the spirit moves in an out of wherever we are and meets us wherever we are no matter what time it is no matter if it's raining or a hot ninety-eight for he is with us always. So I ask you brothers and sisters in Christ this day are you loving the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind? Amen.